Happy 15 year wedding anniversary to us.
We had a lovely dinner in a local restaurant and laughed about how the odds would have been on us never making it this far. Yet here we are.
This got me to reflect on the things I’ve learnt about how to make a partnership like ours work. Funnily enough, there are lots of similarities to making your career partnerships work too – i.e. how to work well and feel happy with your employer – the partner you probably spend more time with than any other!
Here is what I came up with – in a nifty ‘5 C’s’ format:
1. Communication (and Clarity): Be clear on what you need, want and what you are willing and able to give in return. You need to figure this out in your own mind first (sometimes the most difficult bit!). Then, communicate it. Otherwise you can end up building up resentment that your partner has no chance of dealing with because you haven’t given them a chance to! Therefore you need….
2. Courage: Have the courage to give feedback. If you don’t, you are actually preventing them from choosing whether they want to do something about it! By giving them that choice, you also empower yourself with the information of what they choose, so you in turn can make a choice – is this ok with me? Can I accept their response to this feedback/request? And this works both ways. Ultimately both parties have to feel that they are getting a reasonable deal. It can’t be one way traffic. So……
3. Curiosity: Have the courage and curiosity to also receive feedback gracefully. You don’t have to buy into their model of reality. But there is always something to learn – about yourself, about them and about the situation. Welcome this learning as a gift rather than something to be hurt or defensive about. Make it clear you are open to it.
4. Choice: Know that this is a choice. In marriage just as in employment, we never HAVE to stay. The alternative might feel fairly unpleasant or downright terrifying, but it is only by really embracing the fact that it is a choice and not a necessity that we can begin to appreciate the reasons why we are staying, or perhaps, make our escape plans… But on that, even when the going gets tough, ask yourself, am I taking responsibility for making things better? Or just waiting and hoping that they will change. You need…
5. Commitment (but not attachment): Partnerships take work. They require us to sometimes stretch beyond our comfort zone and make compromises and do brave things. To make that commitment can be a hugely rewarding journey. Knowing when to draw the line is also important. If we have been doing all the work, bringing all of these positive qualities and efforts and are still experiencing pain or disrespect, there comes a point when we have to ask ourselves ‘Is it time to move on’? Then release ourselves from that clinging attachment that sometimes drives us to stay when we shouldn’t, and instead to believe in ourselves enough to make a change.
None of this stuff is easy. All of it helps us grow and develop within ourselves in quite wonderful ways. To be honest, I’m not sure I would have managed these traits without having mindfulness meditation as a daily practice for the last 10 or so years!